Dutch Review: How to Make Friends with Dutch Bikers

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The Dutch are world famous for their love of all things biking. But what are some ways you can really get on their good side while engaging in this two-wheeled exercise?

1. Bike in front of them very, very, very slowly

Life is about stopping to smell the roses, and being in the moment; you’re just helping them become a little more zen. The silent Dutch biker behind you is not seething with rage, they’re meditating. That loud breathing you hear coming from them isn’t anger, they are just focusing on their breathing. Namaste.

2. Signal and turn without looking behind you

The first time I ever biked in Groningen I signaled I was turning left in the process of already turning. The woman behind me rang her bell at me so many times I thought she was having a muscle spasm, and yelled many nice, different Dutch words; this was great for my vocabulary practice. I took this to mean she was just excited to see an exotic American in her home country, and I rang my bell back at her while giving her a smile and a wave.

3. Be a tourist

Dutch bikers love you with a passion. The second they see that bright colored rental bike in front of them they are ready to go all Gladiator on your ass, and who doesn’t love that movie?

4. Walk out in front of them

It’s an absolute honor to help a Dutchie find their inner Superman as they fly over the handle bars of their bike. When they face plant on the ground in front of you, just keep walking. Super heroes want to keep their identity a secret; you wouldn’t want to give them away would you?

5. Steal their bike

Seriously, Dutchies love the excuse to go for a nice, leisurely walk. If you take away their bike, they’ll have a nice 5km hike back home and you helped make that happen! Even better if it’s raining outside; who doesn’t love the fresh feeling of drops of water hitting them in the face?

6. Bike the wrong way down the bike lane

It’s a real life version of Grand Theft Auto! Dodge the Dutchies, and pick up a prostitute in the Red Light District while your at it.

7. Braking in front of them without warning

Dutch people consider themselves to be a fairly relaxed bunch and it takes a lot to really drive them crazy. However, every student needs a master. Teach that Dutch biker behind you the art of patience, even better if it’s one of the bike racers with those really tight spandex shorts.

8. Ring your bell at them multiple times

You’re just giving them the biking equivalent of three cheek kisses! Say hello to that guy biking slowly in front of you. Give a nice greeting to that tourist biking towards you in the wrong lane. 

Do these 8 things and you will be make so many Dutch friends you won’t know what to do with yourself. Prrringgg Pringgggg.


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